The Things He Says To Me

It’s been twenty-two years since I divorced my last husband. I thought as the years went by, I’d mellow . . . I’d forget . . . I’d want a relationship with another man eventually.

Here I sit alone and planning to stay that way.

I had three children with my last husband. I doted on the middle one. There were a lot of reasons, and I tried to hide it, but I was told that it was obvious.

That middle child now is the one who rejects me every chance he gets. I spent six days in the hospital in March. The condition I developed after the ERCP procedure is 30% fatal. That middle child is the only one who didn’t come visit. He wasn’t working. He lives a couple hours away. He didn’t come visit.

When I left that last husband, I talked to counselors who said I’d been in an abusive relationship. I thought abusive relationships involved physical violence. I was told there is also such a thing as mental and emotional abuse. That is what my last husband did. Among other things.

One of the things my last husband used to say, when I disagreed with him, was that I was crazy. The counselors said that was called “Crazy Making”. If someone tells you that (you’re crazy) enough, you begin to believe it.

I’m not going into all the horrible mind games (and other things) that last husband did right now. I just know how I felt while married to him. I’ve struggled to regain my pride and my feelings of self-worth.

Now . . . my middle child is a Rocket Scientist. He has a degree in Aerospace Engineering. He also has a degree in Psychology. He’s brilliant and could do anything he chose to do.

He’s a natural teacher. When he tutors math or science for a local company, the company owner says he’s the best tutor she has and she pays him well. I suggested he come tutor while searching for a job. Where he stays now . . . the woman charges him rent and she even convinced him once to apply for a job as a custodian. That broke my heart that he would neglect the degrees he worked to earn and work as a custodian. They didn’t hire him. They did hire him to work in their call center and he did that job for a couple years. They moved him to a different department and for lots of reasons, he ended up quitting. He called the tutoring woman’s company and was immediately hired to be a tutor. He made much more than the call center job. He worked less hours. He seemed happy. He stayed at my house on the days he tutored, but drove back to that woman’s house to the one bedroom he rents from her on the other days. She charged him rent. I charged him nothing and in fact, I bought him things to try to help him.

The school year ended and the tutoring dried up. I saw an ad for Math Teachers Needed Desperately. I sent him the info. I also sent him links to engineering jobs I saw. The Math Teachers Needed Desperately (by a county school system in this state) paid a $5000 sign on bonus and starting pay would be almost $4000 a month. He is not certified, but they would have given him three years to become certified as a lateral entry teacher and paid him while he earned certification.

He’s said he doesn’t want to teach.

He makes vlogs. I’d skipped his recent vlog, but decided to view the next one. He has found a job in an un-air-conditioned warehouse making cardboard boxes and putting labels on them. He said he is happy. I put a comment under that posting saying he could do better than that. One of his landlady’s friends posted that she was proud of him.

Guess which one he responded to. Me. He wrote that I am “out of touch with reality” and if I couldn’t be civil (I was. If I wasn’t, I don’t know how to be. I just said he could do better.) but if I can’t say whatever it is he wants to hear, he will block me so I can’t make comments.

He will block me. According to him I am “out of touch with reality when I expect a degree holder to find a job that requires a degree. That comment “out of touch with reality” smacked of similarity to “you’re crazy” to me.

He’s said that he and I “don’t get along”. We got along fine until he moved to that bedroom he rents from that woman who takes advantage of him and tries to keep him down.

I don’t know what else I can do to help him.

I do know what I can do to help me.

I’m going to Let Go and Let God. I don’t know what else to do.

My last husband also blamed me for his lack of promotions at work. During the divorce, I learned that he’d had two promotions that he’d never mentioned to me. He was a lead engineer and in charge of a big project. Yet, he had convinced me that if he hadn’t married me, he’d have advanced in his job.

My middle son, on top of saying I am “out of touch with reality” says it’s my fault he hasn’t found an engineering job. I don’t know how it’s my fault. I will not accept that it’s my fault. I sent him many links advertising engineering jobs. I drove him to college and helped him move in and then helped him move out when the semesters ended. I did all I could (more than I could sometimes) to help him while he was in school. I’ve offered to buy him a passport and help him move to a different country, if that’s what it takes to find an engineering job.

I don’t understand him anymore. I hate to admit defeat. I seldom give up when I decide to do something. I cannot help a clawing cat, and that is what all my overtures and offers of help feel like I’m trying to do.

Some things are toxic and as hard as it is to let them go, you will poison yourself if you don’t.




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