Too Much

Do you ever feel that you are too much for too many? I’m feeling that way today.

When did this happen? Maybe it’s been my condition all my life. My mother had polio and was crippled. Guess who she wanted to do all her errands. When I was 21 and thinking college was a good option, she even tried to talk me out of it. I went anyway. It was the first time I said NO, but I did and I haven’t regretted it.

Then I had kids. Talk about needy! It was fun when they were little and even as they grew, I enjoyed helping them.

Then they grew into adults.

Guess what. It’s still me. Their dad is not in the picture. His choice. His stupid ass choice. Don’t get me started on him.

But I’m tired. I’m so tired this morning that I’m actually dizzy. Going back to bed.

I have one son who is going back to Asia. He wants my advice and encouragement, but not my true throughts. Heaven forbid I say it’s a bad idea and I wouldn’t do it. (Who will he blame when all goes wrong, if I don’t encourage him to do it?) He’s been before. But I just think it’s a bad idea for him right now.

Then there’s the son who thinks (knows?) he’s transgender. That whole situation exhausts me. It’s his (her) life. But it does affect mine.

And there’s that precious baby who was the apple of Mama’s eye for years and years and years . . . he now is very critical of me and makes me feel bad. I was in the hospital six days and he didn’t come to see me, although he wasn’t working and has a nice car. He’s recently threatened to block me on facebook and said I’m out of touch with reality.

Me? My health ain’t what it used to be. Some days I think I am sitting here waiting to die. This is supposed to be positive thinking day, but that hasn’t worked out for me so far today.

I’ve had neck pain for three months now. I’m tired of it. I’ve seen two doctors and will see a third one before this month is over.

My old, old dog . . . I have to look closely at her to be sure she’s still breathing. She perks up from time to time. She goes back to the vet day after tomorrow.

I’m tired. I’m old. I’m cranky. I fear I have been too much for too many for too long.

When did naps become a part of my life? A frequent part of my life? Sometimes I tell the old dog we’re racing to see who gets to the rainbow bridge first.

Maybe I’m just too much for too many. This life has been a page out of hell. I’m tired. I’m very , very tired.

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