How Much Have You Given?

I dare anyone who is my age to stop and think about how much you have given.

Let it sink in.

Maybe you’re not like me and you haven’t given until you can’t give any more but still you found something else to give?

Did I mention I regret my generosity? Do you?

We have Code Orange Air Quality here today because of the NC wildfires that are raging many counties away.

I have two lung conditions. On a good day I’ve been told not to be without a rescue inhaler within arm’s length. That doctor actually prescribed five inhalers at once and said to put one in every room in my house. Keep one always within an arm’s length.

I laid down to take a nap day before yesterday. I didn’t use my CPAP machine (maybe I have 3 breathing issues?) because I was just taking a nap. I woke up not breathing and thought I was not going to be able to start myself back breathing. It is a terrifying experience and not the first time that it’s happened.

Yesterday I went in and out in the code orange air when my two dogs needed to go out. For some reason they have decided they are mortal enemies and I have to take them out separately, which means it takes twice as long.

I have three adult sons. Two are in the same state that I live in. One came by to borrow my car for a trip. Did he/she (now he’s decided he’s transgender), notice how hard it was for me to breathe? S/he did notice the house was warm. I’d been having chills all day. I had felt sick all day. I’d had touble breathing all day. S/he was preoccuppied with a problem at work, took my car and left.

I sent a message to my other son who lives in this state. He’s probably a couple hours away. I said I was having a very hard time taking my two dogs out. I mentioned the Code Orange air. I asked if he could come spend the weekend with me and help out. My sons know I don’t ask for help, unless I really need it. I prefer to do things myself.

I haven’t heard from that son. I know he saw the message because I got a message stating “Message seen at ___  o’clock”.

I wonder if those sons (daughter?) of mine have ever stopped to think how much I did for them? I bought things I couldn’t afford. I went places and did things when I had no energy. I sacrificed and spent my time trying to help them have better lives.

Now all I’m asking is help breathing during this weekend. Is that really too much?

Ok. I’ve given more than I should. I made a fool of myself over my kids. I never gave up.

I’ve even gotten an email from a friend asking how I’m feeling because her dad is having some problems breathing with this air. I told her exactly how I was feeling. No reply email. No phone call.

If I have to be cheerful and pleasant with no problems, but lots to GIVE to have a family and friends, guess what.

I’m DONE giving. Don’t even waste your breath asking. I’m DONE. I can live without family and friends. I can’t live without breathing. I guess I don’t matter that much to any of them. Not really.

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