I’ve always felt that I had a strong belief in God. From the time I started Catholic school at age 4, I was taught about God and the Bible, Jesus and Christian teachings.
When I was around age 7, on top of the Catholic School Religion teachings, I also began learning about Christianity at a Sunday School a neighbor invited me to attend. I have 7 years of perfect attendance pins to show how faithful I was to going and learning.
That church had a children’s choir, and I joined that and spent more hours at church learning songs about Jesus and God and beliefs and the wonderful world God created.
I started going to church as well and went faithfully for years.
I married and my husband didn’t like going with me, so I eventually quit going.
I went to college and tried a couple churches in the area, but nothing “clicked”. I remember one usher telling me that they had room and plenty of it, as he escorted me to a seat. He said room was about all they were expecting. I didn’t go back.
I remarried and had children and began taking them to Sunday School and staying for church.
I heard Biblical verses quoted and mis-quoted by friends. I listened to sermons and thought how my interpretation of the verses in the sermon were not the same as the minister. I quit going to church again.
I went through a terrible time in my life a few years later. I’m writing about it, if I ever finish the book. I went back to church and took my children with me. That church felt like it saved my life.
I still didn’t always agree with all the verse interpretations and spent time reading through the whole Bible. It was an interesting experience.
Now as I age, I realize I have beliefs, but not understanding. I do not understand how life works. I did not have the nurture many others had. I probably had more attention than some others, but life for me has not been easy and has often been needlessly cruel. I do not understand living in this world.
I no longer know what the purpose is for being here. As a former Presbyterian, the notion of Predestination was explained to me and I agree with it, but I wonder how many of us miss our true reasons for being here as we are caught up in earning money so we can survive?
I gave my all and then some to my children. I truly wanted to be the mother they needed, but find now that perhaps someone else could have done a better job.
Why? Why all the pain and all the suffering and now it’s almost over and I still don’t know the answer to why?