Don’t Be Different?

When you grow up in a family that does not value college degrees or new ways of thinking, you become the family ostrich, or experience ostracization, if you pursue more knowledge or a college degree.

This is what happened to me when I went to college. First I was criticized for even thinking of giving up my forty hour a week “good job” to go into debt to get a college degree and a teaching job that I dreamed of having.

I don’t think my immediate family had any idea what I was going through as I struggled financially and in other ways to complete four years of college study with no family support.

I was very fortunate to be placed in a Work Study situation ,through the financial aid office, where I worked with people (fifteen hours a week) who valued me and helped me. I worked there the whole four years I was in college.

I enjoyed most of my classes and learned new ideas and new ways of doing things. I even tried new foods, but when I tried to share these delights with my immediate family, I was ridiculed and asked why I’d want to eat that? (I remember that question about mushrooms, but no matter what new experience I had, I learned not to share it at home.)

At first I went home every weekend, but by the fall of my freshman year, I wanted to stay on campus for the weekend. My then boyfriend, who picked me up every Friday to drive me home for the weekend stay at my mother’s, broke up with me because I just wanted to stay on campus and go to one of the school’s football games.

It seems whatever I did that made me “different” from how I was caused a rift between me and the person who did not want me to change – not one bit! No change, come back home where you belong, and forget that foolishness! seemed to be the messages I received.

But while stuck in that chasm of change, I looked from one side to the other and chose to be different. I still was teased badly if I used a big word no one used in my family. I never fit into my family’s needed perception of me after my college graduation. It seemed I wore my own scarlet letter, much as Hester Prynne wore, except my was a C for College while hers was an A, whenever I went home to visit.

The funniest part was my mother never understanding why I didn’t choose to come back home to live after finally graduating. None of my family attended my college graduation. I went through the ceremony and wanted to tell all the complaining other graduates who fussed about having to wear that hot gown to make their parents happy, that at least they were able to make their parents happy and to enjoy the day.

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Repercussions

re·per·cus·sion
ˌrēpərˈkəSHən,ˌrepərˈkəSHən/
noun
plural noun: repercussions
  1. 1.
    an unintended consequence occurring some time after an event or action, especially an unwelcome one.
    “the move would have grave repercussions for the entire region”
    synonyms: consequence(s), result(s), effect(s), outcome; More

I’ve spent much of my life considering possible repercussions. At times, those thoughts kept me from doing some things, and impelled me to do others. Sometimes they froze me, and I did nothing.

When you’ve had a lot of trauma in your life, you often sit and try to figure out what you did that caused it. Most of the time it’s nothing YOU did, but rather what others, often with evil intent, did to you.

I woke up this morning thinking about current events in my life and what the repercussions will be, if I handle them in a certain way. Then I considered what the repercussions will be if I don’t?

I think, for once in my life, I’m going to say “to hell with the repercussions” and forge on with what I think is right. If I’m wrong, so be it. If I’m right, well, yippee!

I cannot, and you cannot, spend every day considering everything that might happen, that might go wrong, that might change the current status quo.

This is not living. This is being shackled to a belief that I can cause or not cause certain things to happen. Perhaps I can; perhaps I can’t.

All I know is something has to change, and whatever the repercussions, change will have to happen.

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Not Worth My Time?

I’m beginning to view some people as not worth my time. I wonder if that’s a good thing or a bad thing? Am I becoming a snob?

Or am I just realizing how little time I may have left on this earth and how many things I haven’t done yet that I’ve wanted to do?

I see some people who have ideas and attitudes that seem wrong to me. In the past I would take the time to argue with them and try to persuade them to see my point of view. Once in awhile, I’d end up seeing theirs. Now? It’s not worth my time to try to change someone else’s opinion. It’s a hard thing to do, and they don’t always appreciate it. I have other things I could be doing.

Time seemed so plentiful just a few years ago. Now I wonder how much longer I have on this earth.

I’ve already lived fourteen years longer than my mother lived. I still miss her. I was 28 when she died and it was horrible.

I look at my sons and wonder how much more I need to do to help them live the lives they want to live? They seem to be doing all right by themselves.

I have things I want to finish writing.

I have pets I want to enjoy. Two of them are old and I wonder who will go first; me or them? Then there’s the young one and I’m counting on my sons to take care of her if she outlives me.

I’m tired. I’m extra tired today. The state of North Carolina is on fire – at least the western portion of it – and the smoke has made it this far. I have lung issues and have been kept exhausted by all the smoke I’ve inhaled today. I would stay inside, but my dogs insist they still need to go out from time to time – smoke or no smoke.

I made a pot of homemade soup.I like to create and making the soup was fun today.  One good thing is I’ve shopped frequently for the last two weeks and have plenty of food. I don’t plan to go anywhere until I can breathe freely again.

I’m not even sure where I’d want to go, if I went anywhere. Would a trip be worth my time?

Right now going to bed sounds like the best idea in the world, but it’s late. I already took a nap today. I hated sleeping and napping when I was younger. I might miss something. Now I don’t care if I miss something. If it’s important, it will still be there when I wake up.

If it’s not, well, it was probably not worth my time anyway.

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Older Than You Are

One of my friends at work commented today that she really didn’t like getting old. She says she’s starting to do things her mother does. I asked her how old she was and then told her I was eleven years older than she is. Just wait, ha, ha. I tried to stand in a chair at work this week to put something on the wall. What in the world happened to my legs??? Just as I put the second foot on the seat of the chair and was congratulating myself for getting up so high, my knees buckled and I found myself squatting in the chair. Well, that was a mess, wasn’t it? I managed to grab hold of something close by and extricate myself from that chair and promise myself I’d either bring in a small step ladder or keep my feet on the floor from now on.

Do you remember all the marvelous things your body did as you changed during puberty? Well, guess what? You get as many changes as you age into being a senior citizen, but not all of them are welcomed.

Late?

I come here late at night because it is bedtime and I realized I did not write on my blog today. (Or did I?)

I’m still working, but we were closed due to snow/ice and when I don’t go to work, days begin to blur together.

As I age, I find my mind moves more slowly, but often that is a good thing as it slows down my reaction times. I’ve learned everything doesn’t need a reaction and some things can be ignored or taken in stride.

I read posts on facebook that younger people make and I say to myself, “Ah, I remember feeling that way.”.

For life changes and time passes and what was so important yesterday seems trifling today.