How Much Have You Given?

I dare anyone who is my age to stop and think about how much you have given.

Let it sink in.

Maybe you’re not like me and you haven’t given until you can’t give any more but still you found something else to give?

Did I mention I regret my generosity? Do you?

We have Code Orange Air Quality here today because of the NC wildfires that are raging many counties away.

I have two lung conditions. On a good day I’ve been told not to be without a rescue inhaler within arm’s length. That doctor actually prescribed five inhalers at once and said to put one in every room in my house. Keep one always within an arm’s length.

I laid down to take a nap day before yesterday. I didn’t use my CPAP machine (maybe I have 3 breathing issues?) because I was just taking a nap. I woke up not breathing and thought I was not going to be able to start myself back breathing. It is a terrifying experience and not the first time that it’s happened.

Yesterday I went in and out in the code orange air when my two dogs needed to go out. For some reason they have decided they are mortal enemies and I have to take them out separately, which means it takes twice as long.

I have three adult sons. Two are in the same state that I live in. One came by to borrow my car for a trip. Did he/she (now he’s decided he’s transgender), notice how hard it was for me to breathe? S/he did notice the house was warm. I’d been having chills all day. I had felt sick all day. I’d had touble breathing all day. S/he was preoccuppied with a problem at work, took my car and left.

I sent a message to my other son who lives in this state. He’s probably a couple hours away. I said I was having a very hard time taking my two dogs out. I mentioned the Code Orange air. I asked if he could come spend the weekend with me and help out. My sons know I don’t ask for help, unless I really need it. I prefer to do things myself.

I haven’t heard from that son. I know he saw the message because I got a message stating “Message seen at ___  o’clock”.

I wonder if those sons (daughter?) of mine have ever stopped to think how much I did for them? I bought things I couldn’t afford. I went places and did things when I had no energy. I sacrificed and spent my time trying to help them have better lives.

Now all I’m asking is help breathing during this weekend. Is that really too much?

Ok. I’ve given more than I should. I made a fool of myself over my kids. I never gave up.

I’ve even gotten an email from a friend asking how I’m feeling because her dad is having some problems breathing with this air. I told her exactly how I was feeling. No reply email. No phone call.

If I have to be cheerful and pleasant with no problems, but lots to GIVE to have a family and friends, guess what.

I’m DONE giving. Don’t even waste your breath asking. I’m DONE. I can live without family and friends. I can’t live without breathing. I guess I don’t matter that much to any of them. Not really.



At The End

At the end of your life . . . or during what you know are the final years . . . you look back at all the things you’ve done and what, if anything, you’ve accomplished.

It takes a lifetime to see what I am seeing today.

It is said that in America, anyone can succeed. You can become anything you want to be. That is true to some extent.

It is much harder if you’re alone with no family and no support.

Sometimes you have to try to improve your life with people around who are trying, for some reason?, to hold you back. I’ve never understood mean people. I don’t know why we don’t cheer and encourage each other. Do people think that my success will prevent theirs, or do they just not want to see me succeed?

It’s felt like an uphill battle for most of my life.

I’m not prepared to share here what life as a child was like for me, but I will say that the best thing about Christmas was that there was food in the house. That’s a hint for you.

I paid my whole way through college with no money from home. In fact, my mother discouraged me when I said I was going. By then I’d been out of high school four years and I had what she considered a “good job”.

I applied to college, and I applied for financial aid, and when I was accepted, and the money part came through, off I went.

There again, life was not as easy for me as it was for some others in the dorm. I was on the work/study plan and I worked 15 hours a week as well as going to class 14 hours a week.

Perhaps it’s the bad thunderstorm outside, but something has put me in a depressed frame of mind, and looking back on my life, it’s a miracle I accomplished anything.

If I feel inclined, I’ll write again about some of the problems I’ve seen and had in my life. I honestly don’t know how I’ve managed to live this long.