I Don’t Have To Love You

Older Americans complain about the aging process frequently. I sort of enjoy it most days. One of the things I like best is how much clearer my view of  life is now and how much better I understand it.

I’ve always loved with my whole heart and soul. I foolishly thought if I loved someone that much, they must be very special and everything would be all right. I’ve learned better. Sometimes I’ve loved people who have turned out to be lying to me, or using me, and it took awhile to figure it out.

I try to be honest in my dealings with other people. I have thought that my honesty might have been one of my defects that gave the other person more access to my heart and soul. I opened myself up for manipulation perhaps at times.

My heart has been broken many times. One time I thought it was broken so badly that I’d never find all the pieces and put it back together, but then I saw my children watching and knew that I had to find a way . . . .

So my heart is back in one piece, more or less, but I am very, very careful who gets a spot in it. My pendulum of caring may have swung too far in the other direction, but it will eventually righten itself.

I don’t know why when someone stands before you and you know they love you, that you would use that love to manipulate and take advantage of them. Many do just that. I don’t know if it’s because they feel unworthy of the love, or because they’re just mean, lying, scheming people who can’t imagine that anything they’d do would cause you to quit loving them.

They’re wrong. I’ve quit loving many people that I loved in the past. I hope they’ve noticed, but if they haven’t, it doesn’t matter to me. They don’t matter to me. Yes, my niece, and others, to whom I would have given my last whatever it was she said she needed . . . now have zero access to my heart. You have no idea what she’s capable of. I do.

She’s not the only one. She’s just one of the worst ones.

They say everyone you meet is either a blessing or a lesson. I learned a lot from her betrayal and . . . I don’t even know the word for someone who does what she did. Unloveable comes to mind.

I don’t have to love you. I don’t have to love anyone. My birthday is tomorrow and that’s one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in this lifetime. It took almost a lifetime to figure it out. My love is a gift. If you mistreat it, I’ll just keep it for myself. I need love too.

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How Much Have You Given?

I dare anyone who is my age to stop and think about how much you have given.

Let it sink in.

Maybe you’re not like me and you haven’t given until you can’t give any more but still you found something else to give?

Did I mention I regret my generosity? Do you?

We have Code Orange Air Quality here today because of the NC wildfires that are raging many counties away.

I have two lung conditions. On a good day I’ve been told not to be without a rescue inhaler within arm’s length. That doctor actually prescribed five inhalers at once and said to put one in every room in my house. Keep one always within an arm’s length.

I laid down to take a nap day before yesterday. I didn’t use my CPAP machine (maybe I have 3 breathing issues?) because I was just taking a nap. I woke up not breathing and thought I was not going to be able to start myself back breathing. It is a terrifying experience and not the first time that it’s happened.

Yesterday I went in and out in the code orange air when my two dogs needed to go out. For some reason they have decided they are mortal enemies and I have to take them out separately, which means it takes twice as long.

I have three adult sons. Two are in the same state that I live in. One came by to borrow my car for a trip. Did he/she (now he’s decided he’s transgender), notice how hard it was for me to breathe? S/he did notice the house was warm. I’d been having chills all day. I had felt sick all day. I’d had touble breathing all day. S/he was preoccuppied with a problem at work, took my car and left.

I sent a message to my other son who lives in this state. He’s probably a couple hours away. I said I was having a very hard time taking my two dogs out. I mentioned the Code Orange air. I asked if he could come spend the weekend with me and help out. My sons know I don’t ask for help, unless I really need it. I prefer to do things myself.

I haven’t heard from that son. I know he saw the message because I got a message stating “Message seen at ___  o’clock”.

I wonder if those sons (daughter?) of mine have ever stopped to think how much I did for them? I bought things I couldn’t afford. I went places and did things when I had no energy. I sacrificed and spent my time trying to help them have better lives.

Now all I’m asking is help breathing during this weekend. Is that really too much?

Ok. I’ve given more than I should. I made a fool of myself over my kids. I never gave up.

I’ve even gotten an email from a friend asking how I’m feeling because her dad is having some problems breathing with this air. I told her exactly how I was feeling. No reply email. No phone call.

If I have to be cheerful and pleasant with no problems, but lots to GIVE to have a family and friends, guess what.

I’m DONE giving. Don’t even waste your breath asking. I’m DONE. I can live without family and friends. I can’t live without breathing. I guess I don’t matter that much to any of them. Not really.

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